Tuesday, December 25, 2007
marathoning three seasons
of grey's anatomy at
one go is not horribly healthy.
kinda like participating in
the lives of several
dark, twisted, bitter surgeons
talking sardonic,
living messed up lives and
getting raunchy all over the place.

puts me in some sorta
delusion that maybe
im not so strange.

i hate to sound like i
take tv seriously but
tv seduces the wreckage
out of me and forces me to cope.
the calculated tearjerkers,
and the glorifying of its
broken characters, all
destructive in their
own darned screwedup way.

maybe this surgical unit
in my tv set is
somewhat reflective of
our world.

watching greys
i kinda concluded that life
is a series of crossovers,
and getting from one side
to the other drives us absolutely insane.
it's really not so simple.
like how you go from healthy
to not healthy,
then from not healthy to struggling to live,
and from struggling to live to learning to die,
and from that to finally having to die.

they kinda seem like the natural
course of events,
but every juncture will be a
fresh ordeal
if we personally
had to accomplish them.

it's just not the same everytime
you cross.
you want to imagine that
you've fortified,
getting good at it, even.
but every single time we'd feel
like we bearly made it.
it's not the same accepting disease
and accepting that the disease has
defeated you.

sometimes i look at my grandmother,
i think about how,
one day,
if i have the chance to grow old,
my legs would give way,
my arms won't perform as my brains instruct,
i ramble and i forget,
my children roll their cold unloving eyes
when i talk,
i am wrinkled, confused and
want nothing more than to get out of
that wretched nursing home that
my family had "no choice" but to
put me up in-
would i recall how i was 60 years earlier:
clear mind, typing away on my laptop
which perhaps by that time would
have become obsolete.

when i am 80 and i realise
that my decades of existence
aren't even worth
any member of my family bending backwards
and making arrangements to fit me in,
would i be too old to feel terribly upset?

and i think,
if i do die, would i disappear?
i mean, this consciousness that's
typing away,
would it just degenerate?
would i just degenerate?
even Great People have degenerated,
am i going to join them in the
degeneration,
and just cease to exist?

its fun to be part of the cosmic joke,
but not so much when it ends.

so.
i really would like to
believe in heaven.
its kinda comforting,
yknow, to know
that i will still be me
even if when my body fails.

have a heck of a merry christmas.


12:31 AM


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